5 Powerful Mindset Shifts to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think


“Care
about
what
other
people
think
and
you
will
always
be
their
prisoner.”
~Lao
Tzu

We
carefully
pick
out
what
we
wear
to
the
gym
to
make
sure
we
look
good
in
the
eyes
of
the
other
gym
goers.

We
beat
ourselves
up
after
meetings
running
through
everything
we
said
(or
didn’t
say),
worried
that
coworkers
will
think
we
aren’t
smart
or
talented
enough.

We
post
only
the
best
picture
out
of
the
twenty-seven
selfies
we
took
and
add
a
flattering
filter
to
get
the
most
likes
to
prove
to
ourselves
that
we
are
pretty
and
likable.


We
live
in
other
people’s
heads.

And
all
it
does
is
make
us
judge
ourselves
more
harshly.
It
makes
us
uncomfortable
in
our
own
bodies.
It
makes
us
feel
apologetic
for
being
ourselves.
It
makes
us
live
according
to
our
perception
of
other
people’s
standards.

It
makes
us
feel
inauthentic.
Anxious.
Judgmental.
Not
good
enough.
Not
likable
enough. Not
smart
enough.
Not
pretty
enough.

F
that
sh*t.


The
truth
is,
other
people’s
opinions
of
us
are
none
of
our
business.
Their
opinions
have

nothing

to
do
with
us
and

everything

to
do
with
them,
their
past,
their
judgments,
their
expectations,
their
likes,
and
their
dislikes.

I
could
stand
in
front
of
twenty
strangers
and
speak
on
any
topic.
Some
of
them
will
hate
what
I’m
wearing,
some
will
love
it.
Some
will
think
I’m
a
fool,
and
others
will
love
what
I
have
to
say.
Some
will
forget
me
as
soon
as
they
leave,
others
will
remember
me
for
years.

Some
will
hate
me
because
I
remind
them
of
their
annoying
sister-in-law.
Others
will
feel
compassionate
toward
me
because
I
remind
them
of
their
daughter.
Some
will
completely
understand
what
I
have
to
say,
and
others
will
misinterpret
my
words.

Each
of
them
will
get

the
exact
same
me.

I
will
do
my
best
and
be
the
best
I
can
be
in
that
moment.
But
their
opinions
of
me
will
vary.
And
that
has

nothing

to
do
with
me
and

everything

to
do
with
them.

No
matter
what
I
do
some
people
will

never
like
me.
No
matter
what
I
do
some
people
will
always
like
me.
Either
way,
it
has
nothing
to
do
with
me.
And
it’s
none
of
my
business.

Ok,
“that’s
all
well
and
good”
you
may
be
thinking.
“But

how

do
I
stop
caring
what
other
people
think
of
me?”

1.
Know
your
values.

Knowing
your
top
core
values
is
like
having
a
brighter
flashlight
to
get
you
through
the
woods.
A
duller
light
may
still
get
you
where
you
need
to
go,
but
you’ll
stumble
more
or
be
led
astray.

With
a
brighter
light
the
decisions
you
make—left
or
right,
up
or
down,
yes
or
no—become
clearer
and
easier
to
make.

For
years
I
had
no
idea
what
I
truly
valued,
and
I
felt
lost
in
life
as
a
result.
I
never
felt
confident
in
my
decisions,
and
I
questioned
everything
I
said
and
did.

Doing
core
values
work
on
myself
has
made
a
huge
impact
on
my
life.
I
came
to
realize
that
“compassion”
is
my
top
core
value.
Now
when
I
find
myself
questioning
my
career
decisions
because
I’m
worried
about
disappointing
my
parents
(a
huge
trigger
for
me),
I
remind
myself
that
“compassion”
also
means
“self-compassion,”
and
I’m
able
to
cut
myself
some
slack.

If
you
value
courage
and
perseverance
and
you
show
up
at
the
gym
even
though
you
are
nervous
and
have
“lame”
gym
clothes,
you
don’t
have
to
dwell
on
what
the
other
gym
goers
think
about
you.

If
you
value
inner
peace
and
you
need
to
say
“no”
to
someone
who
is
asking
for
your
time,
and
your
plate
is
already
full
to
the
max,
you
can
do
so
without
feeling
like
they
will
judge
you
for
being
a
selfish
person.

If
you
value
authenticity
and
you
share
your
opinion
in
a
crowd,
you
can
do
so
with
confidence
knowing
that
you
are
living
your
values
and
being
yourself.

Know
your
core
values,
and
which
ones
you
value
the
most.
Your
flashlight
will
be
brighter
for
it.

2.
Know
to
stay
in
your
own
business.

Another
way
to
stop
caring
about
what
other
people
think
is
to
understand
that
there
are
three
types
of
business
in
the
world.
This
is
a
lesson
I
learned
from
Byron
Katie,
and
I
love
it.

The
first
is
God’s
business.
If
the
word
“God”
isn’t
to
your
liking,
you
can
use
another
word
here
that
works
for
you,
like
the
Universe
or
“nature.”
I
think
I
like
“nature”
better,
so
I’ll
use
that.

The
weather
is
nature’s
business.
Who
dies
and
who
is
born
is
nature’s
business.
The
body
and
genes
you
were
given
are
nature’s
business.
You
have
no
place
in
nature’s
business.
You
can’t
control
it.

The
second
type
of
business
is
other
people’s
business.
What
they
do
is
their
business.
What
your
neighbor
thinks
of
you
is
his
business.
What
time
your
coworker
comes
into
work
is
her
business.
If
the
driver
in
the
other
car
doesn’t
go
when
the
light
turns
green,
it’s
their
business.

The
third
type
of
business
is
your
business.

If
you

get
angry
with
the
other
driver
because
you
now
have
to
wait
at
another
red
light,
that’s
your
business.

If
you
get
irritated
because
your
coworker
is
late
again,
that’s
your
business.

If
you
are
worried
about
what
your
neighbor
thinks
of
you
that’s
your
business.

What
they
think
is
their
business.
What
you
think
(and
in
turn,
feel)
is
your
business.

Whose
business
are
you
in
when
you’re
worried
about
what
you’re
wearing?
Whose
business
are
you
in
when
you
dwell
on
how
your
joke
was
received
at
the
party?

You
only
have
one
business
to
concern
yourself
with—yours.
What
you
think
and
what
you
do
are
the
only
things
you
can
control
in
life.
That’s
it.

3.
Know
that
you
have
full
ownership
over
your
feelings.

When
we
base
our
feelings
on
other
people’s
opinions,
we
are
allowing
them
to
control
our
lives.
We’re
basically
allowing
them
to
be
our
puppet
master,
and
when
they
pull
the
strings
just
right,
we
either
feel
good
or
bad.

If
someone
ignores
you,
you
feel
bad.
You
may
think
“she
made
me
feel
this
way
by
ignoring
me.”
But
the
truth
is,
she
has
no
control
over
how
you
feel.

She
ignored
you
and
you
assigned
meaning
to
that
action.
To
you,
that
meant
that
you
are
not
worth
her
time,
or
you
are
not
likable
enough,
smart
enough,
or
cool
enough.

Then
you
felt
sad
or
mad
because
of
the
meaning
you
applied.
You
had
an
emotional
reaction
to
your
own
thought.

When
we
give
ownership
of
our
feelings
over
to
others,
we
give
up
control
over
our
emotions.
The
fact
of
the
matter
is,
the
only
person
that
can
hurt
your
feelings
is
you.

To
change
how
other
people’s
actions
make
you
feel,
you
only
need
to
change
a
thought.
This
step
sometimes
takes
a
bit
of
work
because
our
thoughts
are
usually
automatic
or
even
on
the
unconscious
level,
so
it
may
take
some
digging
to
figure
out
what
thought
is
causing
your
emotion.

But
once
you
do,
challenge
it,
question
it,
or
accept
it.
Your
emotions
will
follow.

4.
Know
that
you
are
doing
your
best.

One
of
the
annoying
things
my
mom
would
say
growing
up
(and
she
still
says)
is
“You

did
the
best
you
could
with
what
you
had
at
the
time.”

I
hated
that
saying.

I
had
high
standards
of
myself
and
I
always
thought
that
I
could
have
done
better.
So
when
I
didn’t
meet
those
expectations
my
inner
bully
would
come
out
and
beat
the
crap
out
of
me.

How
much
of
your
life
have
you
spent
kicking
yourself
because
you
thought
you
said
something
dumb?
Or
because
you
showed
up
late?
Or
that
you
looked
weird?

Every
time,
you
did
the
best
you
could.
Every.
Single.
Time.

That’s
because
everything
we
do
has
a
positive
intent.
It
may
not
be
obvious,
but
it’s
there.

Literally
as
I’m
writing
this
post
sitting
in
a
tea
shop
in
Portland,
Maine,
another
patron
went
to
the
counter
and
asked
what
types
of
tea
he
could
blend
with
his
smoky
Lapsang
Souchong
tea
(a
favorite
of
mine
as
well).

He
hadn’t
asked
me,
but
I
chimed
in
that
maybe
chaga
mushroom
would
go
well
because
of
its
earthy
flavor.
He
seemed
unimpressed
with
the
unsolicited
advice
and
turned
back
to
the
counter.

The
old
me
would
have
taken
that
response
to
heart
and
felt
terrible
the
rest
of
the
afternoon
thinking
how
this
guy
must
think
I’m
a
dope
and
annoying
for
jumping
into
the
conversation
uninvited.

But
let’s
take
a
look
at
what
I
had
in
that
moment:

  • I
    had
    an
    urge
    to
    try
    to
    be
    helpful
    and
    a
    core
    value
    of
    kindness
    and
    compassion
  • I
    had
    an
    interest
    in
    the
    conversation
  • I
    had
    an
    impression
    that
    my
    feedback
    might
    be
    well
    received
  • I
    had
    a
    desire
    to
    connect
    with
    a
    new
    person
    on
    a
    shared
    interest

I
did
the
best
I
could
with
what
I
had.

Because
I
know
that,
I
have
no
regrets.
I
also
know
that
his
opinion
of
me
is
none
of
my
business
and
I
was
living
in
tune
with
my
values
trying
to
be
helpful!

Though,
I
could
also
see
how
from
another
perspective
that
forcing
my
way
into
a
conversation
and
pushing
my
ideas
on
someone
who
did
not
ask
may
have
been
perceived
as
rude.
And
rudeness
goes
against
my
core
value
of
compassion.

That
leads
me
to
the
next
lesson.

5.
Know
that
everyone
makes
mistakes.

We
live
in
a
culture
where
we
don’t
often
talk
about
how
we
feel.
It
turns
out
we
all
experience
the
same
feelings,
and
we
all
make
mistakes.
Go
figure!

Even
if
you
are
living
in
tune
with
your
values,
even
if
you
are
staying
in
your
own
business,
even
if
you
are
doing
your
best,
you
will
make
mistakes.
Without
question.

So
what?
We
all
do.
We
all
have.
Having
compassion
for
yourself
comes
easier
when
you
understand
that
everyone
has
felt
that
way.
Everyone
has
gone
through
it.

The
only
productive
thing
you
can
do
with
your
mistakes
is
to
learn
from
them.
Once
you
figure
out
the
lesson
you
can
take
from
the
experience,
rumination
is
not
at
all
necessary
and
it’s
time
to
move
on.

In
the
case
of
tea
patron-interjection-debacle,
I
could
have
done
a
better
job
of
reading
his
body
language
and
noticed
that
he
wanted
to
connect
with
the
tea sommelier
and
not
a
random
stranger.

Lesson
learned.
No
self-bullying
required.

At
my
last
company
I
accidentally
caused
a
company-wide
upset.
A
friend
and
coworker
of
mine,
who
had
been
at
the
company
for
a
few
years,
had
been
asking
to
get
a
better
parking
spot.
One
came
available
as
someone
left
the
company,
but
he
still
was
passed
over.

He’s
such
a
nice
guy,
and
as
my
department
was
full
of
sarcastics,
I
thought
it
would
be
funny
to
create
a
pun-filled
petition
for
him
to
get
the
better
spot.

I
had
no
idea
that
it
was
going
to
be
taken
so
poorly
by
some
people.
It
went
up
the
chain
of
command
and
looked
like
our
department
was
full
of
unappreciative,
needy
whiners.

And
our
boss
thought
it
looked
like
I
used
my
position
to
coerce
people
into
signing
it.
He
brought
the
whole
department
together
and
painfully
and
uncomfortably
called
out
the
whole
terrible
situation
and
demanded
it
never
happen
again.

I.
Was.

MORTIFIED.

He
hadn’t
named
me,
but
most
people
knew
I
created
it.
I
was
so
embarrassed
and
ashamed.

But
here’s
what
I
did:

  1. I
    reminded
    myself
    of
    my
    values.
    I
    value
    compassion
    and
    humor.
    I
    thought
    I
    was
    doing
    a
    kind
    but
    funny
    act
    for
    a
    friend.
  2. When
    I
    found
    myself
    worrying
    what
    other
    people
    must
    now
    think
    of
    me,
    I
    told
    myself
    that

    if

    they
    thought
    poorly
    of
    me
    (of
    which
    I
    had
    no
    evidence)
    all
    I
    could
    do
    was
    to
    continue
    to
    be
    my
    best
    me.
  3. When
    flashbacks
    of
    that
    awful
    meeting
    came
    back
    to
    mind,
    flushing
    my
    face
    full
    of
    heat
    and
    shame,
    I
    remembered
    to
    take
    ownership
    over
    how
    I
    felt
    and
    not
    let
    the
    memory
    of
    the
    event
    or
    what
    other
    people
    think
    dictate
    how
    I
    feel
    now.
  4. I
    reminded
    myself
    that
    I
    did
    the
    best
    I
    could
    with
    what
    I
    had
    at
    the
    time.
    I
    had
    a
    desire
    to
    help
    a
    friend
    and
    an
    idea
    I
    thought
    was
    funny
    and
    assumed
    would
    go
    over
    well.
  5. I
    realized
    that
    I
    made
    a
    mistake.
    The
    lesson
    I
    learned
    was
    to
    be
    more
    considerate
    of
    how
    others
    may
    receive
    my
    sense
    of
    humor.
    Not
    everyone
    finds
    me
    as
    funny
    as
    my
    husband
    does.
    I
    can
    make
    better
    decisions
    now
    because
    of
    it.

And
after
a
short
time
the
whole
incident
was
forgotten.

Stop
worrying
about
what
other
people
think.
It
will
change
your
life.


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Sandy
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and
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meditation
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